Selfish Bastard Boris Johnson To Become Inglorious

Fashion journalist Lara Johnson, 25, is understood to have been overheard exploding with rage at her philandering dad Boris. While key allies of Boris rallied behind the former foreign secretary on Saturday night, insisting that news of his divorce and stories about his personal life would do nothing to damage his chances of succeeding Theresa May as Conservative leader after Brexit, there are rumours of an application to john the Inglorious Bastards race team.

Boris will have to sort out that ridiculous contraption on his head before even thinking of making an application.
As we have read, Boris Johnson and his wife Marina Wheeler have confirmed they have separated. In a joint statement, they said they are now in the process of divorcing, after the Sun newspaper broke the news of their split. The couple have been married for 25 years and said the decision was taken some months ago.

News of the split follows newspaper allegations about Mr Johnson having had another extra-marital affair. His daughter Lara has slated him as a ‘selfish bastard’ to friends at a private party.

Chief Bastard of the Inglorious Bastards comments:

"Look, he may indeed be a selfish bastard or as some may say, a slippery bastard. But that is not credence enough to simply rock up and want to join our band of merry gentlefolk. We will certainly accept any application that maybe forthcoming, but he will be treated as any other mortal. Anyhow, he’s got to drop that helmet for a start!"

Mat Lowe